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I’ve gathered some favorite quotes here (most are from movies) and I hope you find something to amuse you. I’ve highlighted a few to get you started. Long ago I kept a notebook with funny things people said. By this point in life, it would be a multi-volume set, so I focus now on the words of people paid to sound amusing. Some of these require contextual knowledge and there is some profanity (*gasp*). If there’s a quote you simply adore, please send it to me and I’ll add it to the list (with full credit given to you, naturally!). Send it to me (mleugeni) at yahoo dot com. (Sorry about the code language; I’m avoiding email robot searchers, you see.)
Arranged by title: A-F * G-M * N-R * S-W
Adaptation
CHARLIE KAUFMAN: To begin... To begin... How to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. Maybe I should write something first, then reward myself with coffee. Coffee and a muffin. So I need to establish the themes. Maybe a banana nut. That's a good muffin.
CHARLIE KAUFMAN: [Introducing himself to teacher] Mr. McKee? I'm Charlie Kaufman. You yelled at me this morning.
ROBERT McKEE: I need more.
Donald KAUFMAN: The killer, the girl, and the cop all have split-personalities. They're all the same person. Isn't that fucked up?
Donald KAUFMAN: I'm putting in a chase sequence. So the killer flees on horseback with the girl, the cop's after them on a motorcycle and it's like a battle between motors and horses, like technology vs. horse.
CHARLIE KAUFMAN: And they're still all one person, right?
JOHN LAROCHE: I'm probably the smartest person I know.
American Splendor
TOBY RADLOFF: You might want to try believing in something bigger than yourself. It might cheer you up.
Blazing Saddles
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
REPORTER: Sir, those are dummies.
Governor William J. LePetomane: How do you think I got elected?
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
BUTCH CASSIDY: I have vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
BUTCH CASSIDY: Once they divide up, we take them no trouble, right?
SUNDANCE KID: Maybe.
BUTCH CASSIDY: Boy, for a gunman, you sure are a pessimist.
Clue
WADSWORTH: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
WHITE: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
WADSWORTH: But he never reappeared.
WHITE: He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Dumb and Dumber
HARRY: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
JOEL: Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.
CLEMENTINE: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.
JOEL: Are we like couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead?
Finding Forrester
FORRESTER: In some cultures it's good luck to be wearing something inside-out.
JAMAL: And you believe that?
FORRESTER: No, but it's like praying: what do you risk?
Finding Nemo
MARLIN: Okay, a mollusk walks up to this sea cucumber, well he doesn't actually walk, he's just there, and he turns to the sea cucumber, and... Well, wait, there's a mollusk and a sea cucumber and...
CHUM: You know for a clown fish, he's not that funny.
MARLIN: The water's going down. It's half-empty.
DORY: Hmm... I'd say it's half-full.
MARLIN: Stop that.
MARLIN: How do you know that nothing bad won't happen?
DORY: I don't.
Gilmore Girls
MICHEL: Look, I've had my peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead, and that the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a nonviolent manner. And usually that is fine, but today, sorry lady, I have ennui.
RORY: [to Lorelai] What am I doing? I'm ranting. You should recognize this, I learned it from you.
LUKE: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
JESS: Thanks for what?
LUKE: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
LORELAI: Amen.
NATALIE: [to Lorelai] You have your mother's wit.
EMILY: Sometimes I wish she'd give it back.
RORY: I can go from zero to studying in less than sixty seconds.
RORY: When's soon?
LORELAI: When the big hand hits the "S" and the little hand hits the "OON."
RICHARD: Oh, I hate to see you waste your time.
LORELAI: Well, I'll blindfold you then.
RORY: Note to self: impulsive definitely does not work for me.
JASON: I didn't know you were so close to your mother.
LORELAI: I'm not.
JASON: Then why are you defending her?
LORELAI: Every family needs its Fredo.
JASON: Yeah, and Fredo's family put two bullets into the back of his head.
LORELAI: All right, I should go. I called Luke last night and he made me promise to get the truck back by two hours ago, so if I leave now it's sooner than I planned.
Hero
JOHN BUBBER: We're all heroes if you catch us at the right moment.
DEKE: Have you ever heard more drivel, coming from someone who's not even the President?
High Fidelity
ROB: Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.
ROB: I can't fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week and they just started showing up every day. That was four years ago.
ROB: What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
ROB: Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breast that I would try to touch her between her legs. It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead.
ROB: I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.
ROB: If you *really* wanted to screw me up, you should've gotten to me *earlier*.
ROB: It made sense to pool our collective loathing for the opposite sex, and while we were doing that, share a bed with someone at the same time. Only people of a certain disposition are sure they're going to be alone for the rest of their lives at age 26, and we were of that disposition.
ROB: What if I was doing something that can't be cancelled?
LAURA: Rob, what are you ever doing that can't be cancelled?
DICK: Marie de Salle's playing. You remember I told you about her. I like her. She's kind of Sheryl Crow-ish crossed with a post-Partridge Family pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind of thing, but, you know, uh, black.
BARRY: We're no longer called Sonic Death Monkey. We're on the verge of becoming Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but just for tonight, we are Barry Jive and his Uptown Five.
Highlander
CONNOR MacLEOD: I've been alive for four and a half centuries, and I cannot die.
Brenda: Well, everyone has got their problems
SUNDA KASTAGIR: Macleod, it's good to see you again. It seems like a hundred years.
CONNOR MacLEOD: It's been a hundred years.
[Looking at the body lying next to its head]
GARFIELD: What do you think the cause of death was, Lieutenant?
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
PROFESSOR HENRY JONES: They're trying to kill us.
INDIANA JONES: I know, Dad.
PROFESSOR HENRY JONES: This is a new experience for me.
INDIANA JONES: It happens to me all the time.
MARCUS BRODY: Is there anyone here who speaks English? Or maybe even ancient Greek?
Jurassic Park
IAN: God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs...
ELLIE: Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth...
Kiss of the Spider Woman
LUIS MOLINA: The nicest thing about feeling happy is that you think you'll never be unhappy again.
Lost in Translation
STILLS PHOTOGRAPHER: Are you drinking, no?
BOB: Am I drinking? As soon as I'm done.
BOB: What kind of restaurant makes you cook your own food?
BOB: I was feeling tight in the shoulders and neck, so I called down and had a Shiatsu massage in my room...
CHARLOTTE: Mmh, that's nice!
BOB: And the tightness has completely disappeared and been replaced by unbelievable pain.
LYDIA HARRIS: Do I need to worry about you, Bob?
BOB: Only if you want to.
Metropolitan
NICK SMITH: It's a tiny bit arrogant of people to go around worrying about those less fortunate.
NICK SMITH: Playing strip poker with an exhibitionist somehow takes the challenge out of it.
NICK SMITH: Rick Von Slonecker is tall, rich, good looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar, drunk and thief, an egomaniac, and probably psychotic. In short, highly attractive to women.
AUDREY ROUGET: What Jane Austen novels have you read?
TOM TOWNSEND: None. I don't read novels. I prefer good literary criticism. That way you get both the novelists' ideas as well as the critics' thinking. With fiction I can never forget that none of it really happened, that it's all just made up by the author.
A Mighty Wind
TERRY BOHNER: There was abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature.
Miracle on 34th Street
FRED GAILEY: Look Doris, someday you're going to find that your way of facing this realistic world just doesn't work. And when you do, don't overlook those lovely intangibles. You'll discover those are the only things that are worthwhile.
KRIS KRINGLE: Oh, Christmas isn't just a day, it's a frame of mind... and that's what's been changing. That's why I'm glad I'm here, maybe I can do something about it.
Miss Congeniality
STAN FIELDS: Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.
CHERYL (Miss Rhode Island): That's a tough one. I would have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.
GRACIE HART: The last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of a uterus!
Mother
BEATRICE HENDERSON: I love you.
JOHN HENDERSON: I know you think you do, Mother.
BEATRICE HENDERSON: He's not that famous a writer that he can afford to go nuts.
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
JEFFERSON SMITH: You see, boys forget what their country means by just reading The Land of the Free in history books. Then they get to be men they forget even more. Liberty's too precious a thing to be buried in books, Miss Saunders. Men should hold it up in front of them every single day of their lives and say: I'm free to think and to speak. My ancestors couldn't, I can, and my children will. Boys ought to grow up remembering that.
Muriel's Wedding
MURIEL HESLOP: When I lived in Porpoise Spit, I used to sit in my room for hours and listen to Abba songs. But since I've met you and moved to Sydney, I haven't listened to one Abba song. That's because my life is as good as an Abba song. It's as good as “Dancing Queen”.
Noises Off
LLOYD FELLOWES: Now I know how GOD felt when he created the Earth....Very pleased he'd taken his valium.
LLOYD FELLOWES: Brooke?
BROOKE: Yes?
LLOYD FELLOWES: Are you in?
BROOKE: In?
LLOYD FELLOWES: Are you there?
BROOKE: What?
LLOYD FELLOWES: You're out. I'll call again.
Notting Hill
SPIKE: There's something wrong with this yogurt.
WILLIAM: It's mayonnaise.
SPIKE: Oh.
Old School
BEANIE: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.
MITCH: Please be honest with me and tell me this is the first time.
HEIDI: Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?
Osmosis Jones
LEAH: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
OSMOSIS: What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!
LEAH: Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.
THE BOSS: Has the foot fungus paid up yet?
THUG: Nah, the guy's gettin' flaky on us.
FRANK: Honey, the only reason chimps eat so many fruits and vegetables is because they are not smart enough to butcher a cow.
Out of Africa
KAREN BLIXEN: If I know a song of Africa, of the giraffe and the African new moon lying on her back, of the plows in the fields and the sweaty faces of the coffee pickers, does Africa know a song of me? Will the air over the plain quiver with a color that I have had on, or the children invent a game in which my name is, or the full moon throw a shadow over the gravel of the drive that was like me, or will the eagles of the Ngong Hills look out for me?
KAREN BLIXEN: Perhaps he knew, as I didn't, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road.
Pretty in Pink
TEACHER: If you give off signals that you don't want to belong, people will make sure that you don't.
DUCKIE: This is an incredibly romantic moment, and you're ruining it for me.
Pulp Fiction (rated R)
LANCE: You're going to give her an injection of adrenaline directly to her heart.
VINCENT: Then what happens?
LANCE: I'm curious about that myself.
VINCENT: That's a pretty fucking good milkshake. I don't know if it's worth five dollars but it's pretty fucking good.
JULES: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfuckers. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense to disregard its own eces.
VINCENT: How about a dog? Dogs eat their own feces.
JULES: I don't eat dog either.
VINCENT: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
JULES: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.
VINCENT: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, it'd cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?
JULES: Well we gotta be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?
JULES: Wanna know what I'm buyin' Ringo?
PUMPKIN: What?
JULES: Your life. I'm givin' you that money so I don't hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?
PUMPKIN: Not regularly.
JULES: There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.
Punch-Drunk Love
BARRY: I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are.
BARRY: [out of breath to his love Lena] Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?
BARRY: I wanted to ask you something because you're a doctor... I don't like myself sometimes. Can you help me?
WALTER: Barry, I'm a dentist. What kind of help do you think I could give you?
Raiders of the Lost Ark
INDIANA: You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together, I've got nothing better to do.
Raising Arizona
H.I.: Biology and other peoples' opinions conspired to keep us childless.
H.I.: We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.
Real Genius
DR. DODD: Why is that toy on your head?
CHRIS KNIGHT: Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.
PROFESSOR HATHAWAY: You still run?
CHRIS KNIGHT: Only when chased.
Reality Bites
TROY DYER: He's the reason Cliffs Notes were invented.
LELAINA PIERCE: Hey Sammy, what's your goal?
SAMMY: My goal is... I'd like a career or something.
A Room With A View
GEORGE EMERSON: My father says that there is only one perfect view, that of the sky over our heads.
CECIL VYSE: I suspect your father has been reading too much Dante.
CHARLOTTE BARTLETT: I shall never forgive myself.
LUCY HONEYCHURCH: You always say that, Charlotte. And then you always do forgive yourself.
MR. EMERSON: I don't care what I see outside. My vision is within! Here is where the birds sing! Here is where the sky is blue!
CHARLOTTE BARTLETT: The prompt settlement of accounts is one of my little foibles.
GEORGE EMERSON: He's the sort who can't know anyone intimately, least of all a woman. He doesn't know what a woman is. He wants you as a possession, something to look at, like a painting or an ivory box. Something to own and to display. He doesn't want you to be real, and to think and to live. He doesn't love you.
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School of Rock
DEWEY FINN: Give up, just quit, because in this life, you can't win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you're just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man. The Man, oh, you don't know the man. He's everywhere... in the Whitehouse... down the hall -Ms. Mullens, she's the man. And the Man ruined the ozone, he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called Rock and Roll, but guess what, oh no, the man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don't waste your time trying to make anything cool or pure or awesome cause the man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just GIVE UP!
DEWEY FINN: Dude, I service society by rocking, O.K.?
Seinfeld
COSMO KRAMER: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
JERRY: Wow.
GEORGE COSTANZA: You're Batman.
COSMO KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
JERRY: You kept making all the stops?
COSMO KRAMER: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
GEORGE COSTANZA: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
GEORGE COSTANZA: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
JERRY: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
CAR RENTAL ASSISTANT: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
JERRY: But the reservation keeps the car here, that's why you have the reservation.
CAR RENTAL ASSISTANT: I think I know why we have reservations.
JERRY: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
COSMO KRAMER: They're trying to screw with your head.
JERRY: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
COSMO KRAMER: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
COSMO KRAMER: They're redoing the Cloud Club.
JERRY: Oh, the restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? That's a good idea.
COSMO KRAMER: Of course it is, it's my idea.
JERRY: Which part, renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or spending the 200 million you don't have part?
GEORGE COSTANZA: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating... THAT'S a fantasy camp.
GEORGE COSTANZA: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
GEORGE COSTANZA: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.
JERRY: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.
GARY FOGEL: [to George] I've been living a lie.
GEORGE COSTANZA: You've been living a lie? I've been living like twenty.
[Kramer and Newman are playing Risk]
ELAINE: What's that?
JERRY: It's the game of global domination being played by two men who can barely run their own lives.
COSMO KRAMER: Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand.
JERRY: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
Sixteen Candles (R-rated language)
SAMANTHA: It's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.
SAMANTHA: I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday.
MIKE BAKER: What the hell are you bitchin' about? I gotta sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork.
The Spitfire Grill
Percy: Most folks would rather hear a colorful lie over the truth any day.
Tootsie
SANDY: Michael, are you gay?
MICHAEL DORSEY: In what sense?
GEORGE FIELDS: You're too much trouble. Get some therapy.
Top Secret!
[Nick & Hillary arrive at the Potato Farm. Shetland pony is coughing]
NICK: What's wrong with him?
WAGON DRIVER: Oh, he cought a cold last week and he's just a little hoarse.
Trainspotting (Rated R)
RENTON: Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose a future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?
Trust
MARIA: Can you stop watching TV for a minute?
MATTHEW: No.
MARIA: Why?
MATTHEW: Because. I had a bad day at work. I had to subvert my principles and kow-tow to an idiot. Television makes these daily sacrifices possible. Deadens the inner core of my being.
MARIA: Let's move away then.
MATTHEW: They have television everywhere, there's no escape.
Wag the Dog
STANLEY MOTSS: The President will be a hero. He brought peace.
CONRAD BREAN: But there was never a war.
STANLEY MOTSS: All the greater accomplishment.
CONRAD BREAN: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
STANLEY MOTSS: Why Albania?
CONRAD BREAN: Why not?
STANLEY MOTSS: What have they done to us?
CONRAD BREAN: What have they done FOR us? What do you know about them?
STANLEY MOTSS: Nothing.
CONRAD BREAN: See? They keep to themselves. Shifty. Untrustable.
[Commissioned to write a propaganda song about war with Albania.]
JOHNNY DEAN: Albania's hard to rhyme.
STANLEY MOTSS: I bet you're great at chess.
CONRAD BREAN: I would be if I could remember how all the pieces moved.
STANLEY MOTSS: It's like a plumber: if you do it OK, nobody notices, if you fuck up, it gets full of shit.
When Harry Met Sally
HARRY: I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
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